Week 3 Whether to Start the Job Hunt or Not

This is week three after being laid off. I'm starting to feel uneasy this week.

After graduation, I've been working almost non-stop for around seven years. When I think about it, during university and even back in elementary, you get summer vacations lasting longer than a month. Since starting work, I might have had a one-month break between switching jobs, but that was rare.

Now, perhaps for the first time in seven years, or perhaps for the first time in my life, I have the ability to decide how long this break should be. At school, summer vacation is defined. You're just following the rules. But here, I'm on my own, needing to create my own definition of this break.

There's this inner voice that kicks in mentally because I've grown so accustomed to working, to being an employee for the past seven years. Questions come up. Should I start job hunting? Do I need to begin interview prep? What happens if there's a large gap in my resume that makes finding a job difficult?

As these internal voices surface, and the more I think about them, contemplate them, it becomes truly unsettling. It reminds me of earlier times when if your family consisted of farmers, you would become a farmer, and your children would become farmers too because that's the life you knew best. You were taught the routines and mindset from birth.

Now, back to my own family. They've been employees. Basically, 90% of people around me are employees. Teachers at school are also essentially employees. Perhaps professors are somewhat different, but most education reinforces that employee mentality. This conditioning sits within you quietly until a moment like this when it suddenly all bursts out.

Thinking about it, it's quite intimidating. It's essentially social reproduction or class reproduction. I don't have the correct word for that, but basically it means who you are is heavily influenced by your background and everything that preceded you. Breaking through that is remarkably challenging.

I recall a saying that you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. I personally believe this is true, though the debate is whether you become like these people because you're around them, or you find these people because you're aiming for that. Kind of like a chicken and egg situation.

For instance, the five people I now spend most time with are either hybrid working or fully remote. That wasn't always the case. There was a time when everyone around me worked in an office. I proactively moved into this space and people around me started supporting this idea. So it's kind of intertwined and complex, but looking at the results makes it simple. I became the average of my circle.

So reflecting deeply, this week's real issue is how to handle that inner voice telling me to find a job. Logically and objectively, I know I'll be fine without employment for at least three months or more, as I do have some savings. And this is also a very good reason why people recommend having an emergency fund.

Yet despite having this cushion, I don't feel comfortable using it. That's the real issue. I built an emergency fund, but I feel hesitant when the time comes to use it, to rely on it. The pressure isn't coming from friends or people around me. It's coming from within me. I dislike this feeling because it feels like the farmer analogy all over again. I'm doomed to be an employee, unable to escape the path that was set for me. It's as if some part of me is trained to return to what I know best.

So to deal with this inner voice this week, I'm not going to give in and just actually start submitting resumes or apply for jobs. I'm consciously not going to do that. I'm making this conscious choice because I know that if somehow a good offer appeared, I likely accept it immediately and return back to that so-called comfort zone. The one where I had little time after work to do the other things that I enjoy in life.

However, I can't simply just ignore that voice because it's making me uncomfortable. That's a fact. So I'm easing it by dedicating just 30 to 60 minutes daily for interview prep. Taking it slowly quiets that voice enough so that I can focus on projects.

Whew 😌! This week has involved deeper self-reflection, which is valuable, because when I was just clocking in and out of work, that inner voice rarely gets an opportunity to speak, or it was comfortable enough to remain silent. But now I have the opportunity to examine what's happening within me.

This is me, week three after the layoff, signing off.